Necessary Lies

I’m out the door with a checkered scarf cinched up like a noose. Saturday night: time to get lit up with some other people in a dark room and let some vodka tonics dissolve that outer shell we’re all trapped in. Time to go lie to some girls with accents. This is Seoul, you meet all types. I tell them I’m applying to grad school for history. If you are a writer you have to tell a lie like this, because no one ever goes out hoping they meet a writer. This isn’t a complete fabrication because I do like history; I read about motherfucking history all the time and this makes me a perennial bar trivia MVP. If I had Netflix I wouldn’t do shit, ever, because I’d be plowing through documentaries on the Punic Wars. But I’m not paying $30,000 just to read more history. But–grad school, yeah. I want to teach history someday, sure. I’m still young enough that this lie holds water. Next year I’ll need a different one.

These girls, they want to see ambition, but the right kind of ambition. Someone is going to have to pay for a minivan someday, remember. So they want dull-eyed jackoffs who are going for their MBA and will be able to afford boarding school tuition. That, or they want guys who play in live bands or have enough family money to go skydiving in New Zealand one month and reef-diving off Boracay the next. I really hope I meet a blogger tonight, no girl has ever said as she applied cherry-red lipstick. That is a historical fact. Unless you work for an entity people have heard of, you can’t tell a girl you’re a writer. There’s something about that one word that makes nether regions go Sahara dry. You can actually see the eyes glazing over. Saying you’re a writer is the ultimate cockblock, the avada kedavra of cockblocks. It’s the worst thing you could possibly do to hamper your bedroom prospects, short of castrating yourself with a leather hose and some garden shears. Because everyone is a writer. Name someone who isn’t. You might as well try to impress someone by saying you breathe oxygen. No girl Skypes home saying: Daddy, he’s, he’s great, he’s an unpublished writer.

So, you lie. You talk about getting drunk on ski trips and you tell the legendary tale of your friend’s 21st birthday blowout in Bangkok, but you don’t talk about your book. It’s like trying to hide a drug problem. It’s like being Bruce Wayne, having to go out and lie to people and pretend this other half of your life doesn’t exist. My name is Fred is this the kind of shit I have to do when I’m out. True story.



Author: Fred Colton

Fred is just another guy online.

20 thoughts on “Necessary Lies”

  1. I honestly don’t know why you think you’re boring. I’ve been reading for the last 15 minutes and cracking up the whole time!

    As for the lying part, I’m pretty sure I’ve never been 100% truthful the first time I’ve met a guy at a bar. There’s no need. The first time is to grab attention, (try to) flirt, and not embarrass yourself by getting drunk after your second long island. 🙂

    1. That is very useful information. Good to get a scoop from the other camp. And I guess I should clarify: I’m boring in person, when you have to be quick. Writing lets you take a while to figure it out and present something in its best form.

  2. Years from now when you’ve published your sixth bestseller, they’re going to dig up this little piece of irony to show on your interview with Jimmy Fallon (or whoever’s still around). At that point, you’ll be surrounded by babes with accents and cherry-red lipstick who may or may not be after your money/fame…and may or may not have two brain cells to rub together.

    Intelligence is always sexy…to intelligent people.

  3. I think what’s scarier than facing the world with who you are, is allowing others to validate your worth because of it.
    So be the writer, let the other guys drive a mini-van; because my eyes glaze over about guys who make me think about mini-vans.

  4. lie lie lie. only the truly brave want to date a female writer because there’s that 97% chance she’s a bit nuts. no, correction: if she’s good she’s nuts, if she’s not, then she’s fine, you can date her.

  5. I don’t think you should lie about something you love to do especially when you’re good at it. I can guess that you’re rolling your eyes at this or maybe you aren’t. You should know that the emotion in your writing is intense. You obviously hate lying about that part of yourself. Also, ask yourselves how many twenty something year olds are trying to carve a niche for themselves. Good luck on the history thing. 👍

      1. I guess I see your side and honestly I don’t blame you. Most girls love to brag about what their boyfriends can do for them. I hope you get to that point when you don’t have to lie anymore. As for the hypocrites… they can go screw themselves. Cheers.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s