Brief Thoughts on Monstrous Erections


I just woke up from a nap in the office with the Burj Khalifa of erections. This one is special, and gentlemen the world over know what I mean—there’s different makes and models of erections. Various degrees of engorgement. Some days you’re a sapling, other days you’re a Redwood. It doesn’t even make sense. I was dreaming about hiking.

For some reason this one is so powerful it hurts—that’s actually why I woke up in the first place. This thing is a stitch-burster. Of course I get one of these at 3:00 PM on a Friday at work. You’re early, dude. I live in Korea but it must still be on East Coast time. I can feel my pulse in it and I’m pretty sure it has its own gravity. Compasses from here to Madrid are now off by 15 degrees; watch the news for reports of battleships running aground on South Pacific Reefs and 767s slamming into the Himalayas.

I’m light-headed. I’m thinking: what, where did this come from. I don’t even think this is mine. There must be a glitch in the Matrix because I am not the Burj Khalifa, I’m the Eiffel Tower at best. It’s like being in Freaky Friday, but instead of swapping bodies with someone we’ve swapped dicks; is anyone out there missing a dick. Today I believe in magic.

Dude, way to show up late. There were some games I had to sit out because you were AWOL. Like that one night when I was 22 and had something good teed up but I’d consumed enough Chinese beer to neuter myself. It’s too bad erections are non-transferrable. Like airline tickets. If God loved us we’d be able to go back in time and hand one of them off like a baton. Or, we’d be able to stash them away for the twilight years. There’s only so much wood in the pile.

Guess I’m just gonna file this one under “Sex.”

At least I'm not the pyramid.
At least I’m not the pyramid.

21 thoughts on “Brief Thoughts on Monstrous Erections

  1. The girl on Tinder. The girl in the bar. Now monstrous erections. I’m no cryptographer, but I can break this code:


    When buildings and trains make you think of throbbing boners, it is likely because you are “pulling a Confucian,” as we used to say. It’s shorthand for public “massage,” the term coming from the old adage

    -Confucius say that man with hands in pockets is feeling cocky

    Isn’t Seoul supposed to be the Atlantic City of Asia? Or is that Singapore? I get uncomfortable in states that don’t start and/or end with vowels, so all my personal experience is through cable. I seem to recall seeing something on ViceTV about “hostess bars.” Or maybe I am getting that confused with “Comfort Women” on the History Channel.

    Anyway, maybe you should try some of that. Whatever you do, good luck. Being as horny as you can;t be any fun. It’s like watching that one cartoon the Disney animators did when Walt wasn’t around that had the other Seven Dwarfs. Humpy, Grindy, Throbby… you get the idea.

    1. Things are going OK Mr. Carroll but I appreciate the concern. I have to say Throbby is a great dwarf name. Seoul is a paradise if you’re willing to pay for it, but I also enjoy being HIV negative so I think I’ll avoid that end of town.

  2. […] The Day Job. Karma will keep me there. Because I will pay $7 for an imported IPA that is gone in 5 minutes but I won’t buy a song I love for $1.29 that I can keep forever. How long until this trend fully transfers over to publication. Both the economy and the future are rough on dreamers. Within the next decade Pulitzer Prize winners will have to leave the ceremony early to punch in for the night shift at 7-11. Being a corporate whore for 40 hours a week will be the new definition of successful. If that’s the case then I’m already there. If that’s the case I can at least keep writing about workday erections. […]

  3. This made me laugh so hard my son came into the room and wanted to know what was so funny. He’s only four, so I couldn’t share your manly angst with him just yet. Thanks for the laugh!

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