The First Good Monday That Anybody Has Ever Had

Tom-Bradying-Fitz-and-Vig1

My Monday has been legendary and here’s why:

-Thanks to my piece on erections from last week, the Google search term “huge dick” now leads directly to this blog. So I’ve got that going on for me. Well, kind of; the person who ran the search actually typed “huge dicksx.” They were so damn excited to see some pictures of some huge dicks they couldn’t spell “dicks” right. I can imagine how pissed they were to land on a site comprised of walls of text with semicolons and precisely zero pictures of huge dicks.

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-After Saturday’s game, the Patriots are once again within striking distance of another Super Bowl. I mean, they do this literally every goddamn year and always lose the Big Game based on a spectacular fluke play in the fourth quarter. But the Manning brothers are both out this year, so there’s hope. And as far as groups of muscular male millionaires who wear tights and are all under the age of 40 go, the Pats are who I pull for.

-I worked with an editor at Cracked.com on a piece that’s running on the front of the site right now. It’s about the misadventures that can be had while teaching abroad and focuses on penises and heavy drinking, mostly.

Here it is: http://www.cracked.com/article_21790_kids-want-to-finger-your-butt-adventures-in-teaching-abroad.html

My blog stats have skyrocketed over the past 24 hours, which means nothing at the end of the day, but whatever. Some people who know my real name have stumbled onto Fredcolton.com and are now acting like they’ve just figured out who Batman is. I’m getting GOTCHA messages. Ah, good for you, sport. Time to promote you to Commissioner. I guess I could be compared to Batman, if Batman spent a lot of time putting out a series of obvious clues to his secret identity. Like, if he ran a blog with Bruce Wayne’s face on it that said I AM BATMAN. People are telling me they think Fred Colton is a stupid name. I picked it because Fred is my grandfather’s name and I like authors whose last names start with “C.” Connelly, Child, Cussler, Coben. So I went to Whitepages.com and chose the first surname I liked. Anyway, hi guys. Also I expect my grandfather will enjoy hearing that I run a blog that has turned into huge dicksx clickbait.

-I’m on vacation now. Going home for a short spell in February. I’ve got a nephew I haven’t met yet who will be my protégé. I also probably have children I haven’t met yet, which is the real reason I moved to Korea and am lurking online under an assumed name. Haha, just kidding. Or am I? I am.

So, I hope you also had a legendary Monday. Colton, out.

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18 thoughts on “The First Good Monday That Anybody Has Ever Had

  1. I’m jealous of your good Monday. Mine was blah at best, but I am, afterall, a Bears fan….I’m used to being disappointed. 😀

  2. I spent Monday night celebrating belated Christmas with some colleagues. It rained cats and dogs and bears and t-rexes, and around midnight we had received the alert that an old lady living alone by the bank of the river was missing. Gathered our SAR team immediately. Found her this morning. Her dead body that is.

    Tuesday started after midnight. So the Monday is still good, I suppose…

  3. Saw the article in Cracked. You’ve moving to the big leagues, Freddy boy.
    Yeah, in real life everyone would know Batman is Bruce Wayne. I get that you hate your real name, but someday you’ll think it’s stately and awesome.

  4. This is the most approachable and pedestrian post I have seen. Fred Colton isn’t surprised by success. He expects it and wonders where the fuck it has been all this time. Maybe Fred Colton is the Dread Pirate Roberts of blogging? Anyway, congrats on the stat boner. I hope Cracked goes over well too.

  5. Having your audience expand is definitely a positive thing. That Batman stuff is hilarious though! Everyone I know already knows what I do so I don’t think I’ll ever experience that but just think of it as people are just finding out how awesome you are!

    1. Haha, thanks Lauren. But just so you know it’s not too late to start another blog under a fake name and wait to get discovered. I recommend everyone try out the notoriety at least once.

  6. My Monday wasn’t as good, Fred.

    I woke late and had fifteen minutes to get to my soul-sucking job across town. I threw on my pants, grabbed the half-eaten Little Debbie cake from beside the bed and raced down to my car.

    It snowed last night, one of the reasons I woke up late . I stayed up gazing through my window at the drifting flakes, awash with thoughts of how beautiful the world truly is, so by the time I went to sleep I had forgotten to set my alarm because I thought it was still the weekend. It wasn’t the weekend.

    I couldn’t get the trunk open to grab my snow brush because the locks were frozen solid. I used my hands to try to clear the snow off the car. The gloves, of course, were in the car. It had been warm when it first started to snow, I guess, because beneath the six inches of powder was an inch-thick crust of ice. Very pretty, but resistant to my clawing. I fumbled out my lighter and tried to use it to warm my key enough to get it into the lock, setting the cuff of my coat on fire. I beat that out, but lost the lighter and the keys in the snowbank.

    I’d been so harried that I hadn’t availed myself of the Morning Toilet, thinking I’d do that at work (a little present to my coworkers). I searched the snowbank for my keys so I could let myself back in to my apartment, but doing this only made my need more dire.

    It only got worse. You can, I am sure, guess the rest.

    I did learn a few things.

    One: nobody at work notices if I am there or not.

    Two: It is pissible to break a key off in a frozen lock.

    Three (and most important) while urine-soaked pants aren’t all that noticeable when you’re out ion the cold, the pee smell really jumps out once you get onto the bus.

  7. Depending on your lifestyle and possibly having or not having children you know of, or you don’t, I suggest that either you have a very good story to tell to the women you have slept with arguing why these children are not yours, or assume responsibility of a devoted father or a distant uncle.
    Anyway, I am certainly happy that your blog has been receiving more visits – I am also happy that this is possibly because of the big…. Not assuming anything however I wish you a great holiday!

    1. Thanks Nedida! So far so good. I’m drafting good versions of said “very good story” now. I can’t wait to be a distant uncle. It’s like test-driving fatherhood with training wheels to see if you like it. And you’re right, the traffic was probably mostly due to huge…

      1. As much as I am unable to comment on the magnitude behind the reason for the traffic I can comment on the test driving. Being a distant uncle is like watching a car being taken for the test drive by someone else. You don’t get to sit behind the wheel, nor you get to sit in the vehicle. How could you say whether or not you like it ?

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