My Monday has been legendary and here’s why:
-Thanks to my piece on erections from last week, the Google search term “huge dick” now leads directly to this blog. So I’ve got that going on for me. Well, kind of; the person who ran the search actually typed “huge dicksx.” They were so damn excited to see some pictures of some huge dicks they couldn’t spell “dicks” right. I can imagine how pissed they were to land on a site comprised of walls of text with semicolons and precisely zero pictures of huge dicks.
-After Saturday’s game, the Patriots are once again within striking distance of another Super Bowl. I mean, they do this literally every goddamn year and always lose the Big Game based on a spectacular fluke play in the fourth quarter. But the Manning brothers are both out this year, so there’s hope. And as far as groups of muscular male millionaires who wear tights and are all under the age of 40 go, the Pats are who I pull for.
-I worked with an editor at Cracked.com on a piece that’s running on the front of the site right now. It’s about the misadventures that can be had while teaching abroad and focuses on penises and heavy drinking, mostly.
My blog stats have skyrocketed over the past 24 hours, which means nothing at the end of the day, but whatever. Some people who know my real name have stumbled onto Fredcolton.com and are now acting like they’ve just figured out who Batman is. I’m getting GOTCHA messages. Ah, good for you, sport. Time to promote you to Commissioner. I guess I could be compared to Batman, if Batman spent a lot of time putting out a series of obvious clues to his secret identity. Like, if he ran a blog with Bruce Wayne’s face on it that said I AM BATMAN. People are telling me they think Fred Colton is a stupid name. I picked it because Fred is my grandfather’s name and I like authors whose last names start with “C.” Connelly, Child, Cussler, Coben. So I went to Whitepages.com and chose the first surname I liked. Anyway, hi guys. Also I expect my grandfather will enjoy hearing that I run a blog that has turned into huge dicksx clickbait.
-I’m on vacation now. Going home for a short spell in February. I’ve got a nephew I haven’t met yet who will be my protégé. I also probably have children I haven’t met yet, which is the real reason I moved to Korea and am lurking online under an assumed name. Haha, just kidding. Or am I? I am.
So, I hope you also had a legendary Monday. Colton, out.