America: Final Observations

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It has been seven days since my last post and I refuse to apologize for that. Most bloggers would, but I am not them. So, seven days. I have been busy. I just got back from making a cameo in the homeland. America. Atrocious public transport and crumbling bridge pillars. A third world country that doesn’t know it yet. It was all gray and all slush and Jeb Bush was on CNN. He wants a job that pays only a fraction of what he currently earns.

Fireworks on the homefront. A high school friend is getting divorced because his wife fucked somebody else. It wasn’t me, I was gone. My uncle and his wife have separated. One of my best friends and his wife have also separated. And my parents have split as well and so I spent my time shuttling between both camps engaging in a delicate dance of postwar diplomacy. My one complaint is that it didn’t happen earlier; why couldn’t this have happened when I was 7 so I could have milked it for sympathy from girls in high school. Drama is attractive. Coming from a stable home is a nightmare for virgins.

Someone stole my sweatshirt at the gym. Our bartender one night had a Ph.D. He works at Applebees because there are too many smart people. Now some other would-be bartender is freezing in a sewer somewhere. What hope would I have in this place. And you have to tip waitstaff. What a hellscape. I have PTSD. I understand the veterans now. I did three days on the ground and then pulled a Jesus and came back to Korea.

Back to Korea, to lowered expectations and an arena where I won’t get eaten alive. To playing without a salary cap, essentially. It can be too easy. I got back to my villa Friday night and got my shirts from the dry cleaners. I went out into the neon of Seoul and we burned the place down and I resurfaced two days later.

On Sunday morning I thought about my nephew at home. He is ten months old and inspires vague feelings of hope and goodness within me. Then I had an epiphany about trying to be a better person. Then I remembered I had the same epiphany the Sunday before and I’d forgotten about it.

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6 thoughts on “America: Final Observations

  1. Couple of suggestions.

    1. On your way back to the land of permanent war inhabited future American convenience store owners that you seem to love more than the Land of Freedom and Opportunity, stop by Singapore for a caning. You seem to need it.

    2. Watch a few dozen epusodes of One Day at a Time to find out what happens to kids in the US who are raised by a single mom. True, you might marry the world’s greatest guitarist, but you also might turn into a really ugly coked out tramp. Fifty-fifty chance.

    3. Take a picture of your nephew and put it in a golden frame. Set it on your dedk and make daily offerings of fresh fruit and chrysanthemums. The Koreans will totally understand. In America we worship youth by masturbating to underage models in Cosmo.

    These are just suggestions. You can also insinuate that you screwed your buddy’s wife even though you were in Korea. This will drive him insane trying to figure out how you did it.

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