Still Got It

She was born in 1994 so in the morning I was doing that pedophile math. She was ten years old on my first day of college, that sort of thing. Because you’re a man you think: that’s hot. You can’t not do it. Thoughts that aren’t crimes yet but will be in a decade. And then you think: am I already that old crinkle-faced fuck who gets it from the young ones. In my case, it’s only because they mistake my odder traits for some sort of charismatic mystique. But then after all that you think: yes, I’m aging but hey, I’ve still got it.

Now I am Dracula feeding off the flesh of young maidens. I think I can keep it going. Gonna have to play up the writing angle more in the future. When writing has become a lost art form, like making chariot wheels or constructing a ship in a bottle. I imagine I’ll get plenty of attention. People will come up and wonder how it’s done. Tell us, oh master, how the black marks get on the white page.

I fully intend on being a cliché. I’ll be a bachelor creative writing professor who bought a Porsche and a wine rack instead of siring kids. Of course I will always want kids and men with kids will want what I have, because contentment is something that exists for only about ten minutes at a time. It would be asking too much for it to last.

Anyway. In 2015 pillow talk is both of you looking at your smartphones and murmuring comments to break up any silent stretches. She was reading BBC. I said: look, here’s my boy Tom Brady, let me tell you about #Deflategate. She’s half-French and half-Congolese so I could actually tell her something she didn’t know. To her, a white American male is exotic. I actually have an accent, like the people in movies. Hers is more French than African. I could listen to French women read a shopping list. During the requisite Life Story swap I acquit myself well. Lots of practice. This thing has been sanded and polished and winnowed down to a ninety-second legend. I hear myself talk and think: I want to meet this guy. Well, good. After this many days alive I’d better have four or five interesting things to say by now.

She went back to her dorm. Dorm, goddamn. She has a concert to go to later. Psy will be on, because this is Korea and of course he will. And I bought groceries and read a book and took a nap. Old guy things. Hide your daughters.


Author: Fred Colton

Fred is just another guy online.

7 thoughts on “Still Got It”

  1. You are going to be the old professor dude in Definitely Maybe who steals away a true love from Ryan Reynolds. Nice. Maybe you can steal Blake Lively. Is that her name? I guess it is someone’s name. Anyway, high five.

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