All right. I made a bunch of stuff up and wrote it down and now it’s a book. And you can download it right here:
A huge shoutout goes to Mr. Vern Lovic—perhaps you can call him the Obi-Wan of ebooks—for his sharing his wisdom during this long march to publishing.
So, the book. I have to allow myself one jackoff post about this thing.
What it is:
The Colony. Action/futuristic thriller/a bit of mystery. An American lunar colony is bombed and an Air Force pilot is framed for it. He ends up stuck on the moon with less than an hour of oxygen in his suit and a platoon of Marines gunning for him. That, and much, much more. I had a lot of fun with it and I hope you will too.
Apollo 13 plus some Craig-era Bond transplanted onto a Die Hard framework. With one long lunar chase scene, of which I am especially fond, that I call the Mad Max scene.
-I didn’t have a TV when I was a kid but I had a library. It was right down the street. I was always there. And I always had a feeling I’d end up as a writer.
-But I never really wrote anything until I was vacationing in Thailand in early 2011. I picked up two John Grisham books to get me through a night bus ride. And I don’t know who the hell you all have been reading but the #1 New York Times bestselling John Grisham I read is the literary equivalent of blue balls. It’s like the man goes to answer the doorbell while he’s writing the third act and then forgets to finish the book.
This is climax of The Pelican Brief: the protagonists are in a newspaper office writing a story while an assassin waits for them outside. So, they just don’t go outside. The End.
This is the climax of The Brethren: Three incarcerated judges blackmail the U.S. government and demand payment and release from prison. The U.S. government pays them and releases them and The End.
-I thought: this guy is a stupid clown. But people love him. I’m also a stupid clown, so this is what I’m going to do, I’m going to write a thriller.
-Then I stole Michael Connelly’s The Lincoln Lawyer from an island hostel and started learning how to do things right. Not that I’ve mastered it yet.
-I wrote the book and a literary agency that I was working with wanted me to rewrite it as a young adult book because those sell more. Because this was 2013 and if you weren’t the Hunger Games then you were trying to be the Hunger Games. When I said no, our arrangement fell through.
-So Amazon it was.
-The thought of which would have made me jump out a window if I hadn’t already had that little shred of validation. Out of the 76 or whatever agencies I queried, one of them did not hate my book and wanted to do edits with me. That’s all you need, one shred of validation. I’ve kept that thing tucked close like the case with the nuclear launch codes.
-I am naked. That’s what you are when your book goes live. I woke up this morning and thought about it sitting there online and was too afraid to open my eyes. I thought: what have I done. I wanted to go back in time to Thailand and make my bus crash so I wouldn’t have to live to see this day. I am horrified. If I look at myself long enough in the mirror I can actually see the stress burning my hair white.
-Because what if people think a character’s last name is stupid. What if some trolls jizz out all the plot twists in a one-star review. What if everyone hates it.
-Well good. You want to be reviled. It’s better than being obscure.
-But what if it’s a failure. Well then let’s fail hard and get the failure out of the way. So I can rebuild and make my adjustments for when I go again. There’s more stuff to write. I mean, I live in Korea and teach fifth graders how to ask what time the birthday party starts. What the fuck else am I gonna do.
But really, though:
-My book, I think you’ll like it. Unlike John Grisham I can say that I respect your investment as a reader and know how to end a motherfucking book. OK, that’s it for now. Stop reading this and go download The Colony right here.