Hot Shot

Capture GIRLS

Hot dead air, sweaty scrotum. So passes another day as an over-privileged white guy abroad, sitting here doing hard time in the Korean workplace. This office is an unventilated box like the rowing galley of a Roman warship. The principal has a kill switch down in his office and he cut off the AC and fans in the building on September 1st. Watchdogging those emissions. Korea is some kind of Captain Planet wet dream. Seoul’s propaganda ministry has done a bang-up job convincing the citizenry that not recycling is tantamount to rape. Little Korea, a nation the size of Pennsylvania, is going to save the planet all by itself. You dumb cunts, can’t you just give up like the rest of us have. China’s rivers are doped up with denim factory runoff and the water can boil your skin off. Smog clouds have turned the sky blacker than space. It’s too late, at least we had a good run. Now turn the motherfucking fans back on.

I try to think positive. Try not to fixate on ways I can El Chapo my way out into the cool breeze before quitting time. This room is a sauna and my mind slides sideways on Lewis Carroll slants. Just gotta embrace the free-fall into a fever dream. I kill time by drifting the hot hallways and entering other teacher’s offices to pilfer small food items. Just because it’s something to do. Quite the haul today: Oreos, nuts, and Korean Maxim Mocha coffee sticks.

Nice to be in Korea today though. No 9/11 coverage, guilt trips about not staying at war for eternity. Facebook knows I’m in the Eastern Hemisphere and tweaks its algorithm accordingly. So I see fewer News Feed links that pose the question: Can Jet Fuel REALLY Melt Steal Building Beams???

What else. Got YouTube EDM mixes going, mostly because the image thumbnails are girls like Rosie Huntington-Whitley blowing me a kiss. (see above). That’s all it takes; I’ll listen to whateverthefuck that video is. She could get me hooked on a 10 hour video of pond splashes and frog croaks. OK, surf surf surf, what else. Brady and the Pats are back on their curbstomp crusade. I like them; they inspire me to cheat my own way to greatness. If I have to steal some hot phrases from an obscure blogger, I’ll do it. Call it a “sample.” I just hope someday someone steals something of mine.

Oh yeah, big news: got a casting shakeup here on the Fred Show. After a year and a half of working with 45 year-old Korean mothers the Incheon Education Bureau just shipped me a new co-teacher. She’s 31, unmarried, has fertile locks of hair and cute rabbit teeth. A little too attractive for me to keep believing I’m not in the Matrix. Now we spend eight hours a day together. And now every day is like the first two minutes of a porno, stretched out to fill eight hours. Smothering sexual tension leads to awkward dialogue, but then eventually we start talking like we’re three drinks into a date. When we’re in the office alone she says things like: I have been with my boyfriend for eight years and we have no passion anymore. Wait, what? WHAT. I could be skirting the edge of a scandal here. When I first met her I started joking with my friends like: my goal is to make her cheat on her boyfriend with me. Then it started to not be a joke. She bought my book and has me explain the passages of military jargon. Wheels her chair over next to my desk so our thighs touch. We talked about my state of discontent with the American Empire today and she said: so don’t go home, stay in Korea and find a nice, smart girl. *pushes hair over her ear*

Wait, what? WHAT. What the fuck is going on. This has got to be a mirage. And dude, she’s taken. Karmic considerations are now a factor. Anyway, if I end up submerged in the Han River with cinder blocks tied to my extremities, you’ll know why.


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Author: Fred Colton

Fred is just another guy online.

9 thoughts on “Hot Shot”

  1. Captain Planet’s wet dream line was hilarious. And I say go for it man. If there’s no passion in her relationship she’s going to find somebody to fuck, might as well be a standup gentlemen such as yourself.

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