I LIKE TITS

Notes from Korea: 9/24/15

My star rises. Gay men on Twitter have started sliding into my DMs. Achievement unlocked; count me flattered. Though my blog might not be clear enough on my sexuality, so think of this is a press release of sorts. That’s what the I LIKE TITS up there was about. Also because you gotta come out of the gate strong, you see. Every post.

***

Made my coffee too strong this morning. Weapons-grade brew, took me four hours to drink it. Of course I didn’t have to actually finish it but I believe in punishing myself harshly for mild mistakes. Counterbalances how I allow myself to wriggle off the hook for my huge mistakes. Then they cut us loose early from the office and even with all the caffeine I was tired enough that I took two naps with the extra time. It’s because I’m working out two hours a day. Because this girl is only seeing me because I do. Fair play; what I get for objectifying women. But now I have to compensate by objectifying her even harder. Trying to channel uncut 1960’s chauvinism. I catch her with one fucking Oreo and I am OUT.

***

Spent the morning in a fury. Korean Thanksgiving is next week. It’s based on the lunar calendar and it’s a nine-day holiday but they’re only taking four off. Because WORK that’s why. What the actual fuck. That’s like the Jews cutting Hanukah short because they love working so much. Korea is the only country that could be colonized and brutally enslaved and wouldn’t notice a difference.

***

This fourth grader at my school got caught with dick pics on his phone today. Some girls were playing with his Samsung and found them. First of all, well done, young man. Getting them acclimated to dicks early. You’re gonna have fun in middle school. It was all one big Machiavellian scheme, wasn’t it. Take the hit and shame now and reap the benefits later. Then I realized I’ve never taken a dick pic. Thought about putting it on the bucket list so I could scale down my life goals to a more achievable level.

***

A DC temp office just emailed me about a good position. Which means they were probably emailing guys in Korea about DC jobs when I actually lived in DC, instead of emailing me in my apartment ten miles away. Thank God. Otherwise I’d be working a good position in DC right now. Just in a bar crowd after work with all my WASP combover clones. And being in an American bar is just being lost in a big pile of dicks. Like being in that vault in Harry Potter 7, where the cups multiply if you touch one of them. You turn and bump into a dude and then two more dudes spawn off of his elbows. Which is a problem. I’m so into women that talking to a male human feels like a tragedy. I’m wasting my life talking to you.

So, full circle on the sexuality thing. That’s how you end a post.

***

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18 thoughts on “I LIKE TITS

      1. Haha. Really though. Your blog game is out of control. “Korea is the only country that could be colonized and brutally enslaved and wouldn’t notice a difference.” Ha! And the pile of dicks joke and the weapons grade coffee. The setup and knockdown in every section was very Rodney Dangerfield.

  1. To psychologically analyze this: (not that it’s what you want to hear, but it’s an exercise for me to do and there is a chance you would like to hear it) Perhaps we are in transitional phases, where we’re grounded people deep down, therefore attempt to redeem our mistakes; however once we make mistakes so unfathomably unforgivable within ourselves, we just overlook them/ deny their emotional influence because we don’t know how to forgive ourselves?

  2. I’ve been hit on by guys too. Kinda odd, but flattering to a degree when someone notices. Had a guy Phil up to my car in a parking lot once. I was waiting on my wife who had run into a store for a quick second. He flat out asked me if I were interested. Had to decline, but was a bit of an ego boost nonetheless.

  3. I personally find it incredibly hot when a heterosexual man handles getting hit on by gay men with confidence enough in their own sexuality to be flattered. It’s like “I want you NOW!” hot. But that’s just me.

      1. Lol! You, awkward with attention? Oh honey, you better get used to it. Attention is going to come your way from all kinds of directions, especially as you get more “out there” in the literary world.

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