Dear Grandparents

Email Draft #1:

I trip out thinking about the shit you guys never had to negotiate, getting married at 22. Like: the girl I’m seeing said that she’d be into swinging and this depressed me. Invalidated this whole fantasy I’ve been entertaining. That feeling: like finding out the skyscraper you just built is perched atop a sinkhole. Swinging is the sort of whorish behavior that your peers probably got electroshocked for in 1963. In 2015 your only recourse is feigning excited curiosity. You have to have an answer prepared for when a girl asks if you happen to own furry handcuffs.

Other than playing whack-a-mole with my insecurities I’ve been doing the writing thing on the world wide web. This is not a thing you get paid for unless you want to jizz out clickbait for Herst Corporation about exercise myths. You can get “likes” though. Which are a pretty crazy thing: they are the only thing in the universe that feel good for less than a second.

What else. Well there’s always work. And I do mean always. And there’s drinking with other casual alcoholics who are also desperately unfulfilled. Oh, and I got a big laugh with them the other day: I remember once you said that you got a good job by walking into a big building and asking the girl at the desk if they were hiring (they always were) and you recommended I try doing the same. Also you said that your first savings account paid 15% interest. 1958: what a time to be alive. God, the banks have really turned into cunts in the interim period.

Anyway, I miss you guys.



*delete delete delete*


Author: Fred Colton

Fred is just another guy online.

12 thoughts on “Dear Grandparents”

      1. I’m of the age of embracing the natural look. I say if I wanted a man with no body hair, I’d’ve dated women. Still, that’s not the weirdest thing I find about cultural decline.

  1. Good letter. I”d be proud to get that in the mail from my grandson. No, not emailed.. In the mail with a stamp on it, a licked envelope, hand written. Then for your next birthday grandma and I will buy you furry handcuffs, maybe a matching set.

    1. I’d mail my grandparents letters if I knew how to send mail from Korea. Fortunately they’re adept at email. Unfortunately they don’t know that I really need handcuffs like that. Maybe I should sneakily send them a link to my blog.

  2. If you’re not into swinging, then say so. If she likes you, she’ll understand. Fuck it, Fred. Just be you. I don’t understand this generation and I’m not even that old…

  3. Ah it’s tough to be swinging these days. So I hear. Fuck I’m as lucky as your grandfolks. Except for the writing thing. Yeah, ‘likes’ are like sparkly fireworks. Short and muted. I just heard someone describe Season6 Episode2 of The Walking Dead as an oral that doesn’t stop. Ok, where did that come from??? Well getting a comment is obviously nowhere near that. So there. This was nicely written by the way. Like the punctuation thing you got going.

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