was Justine and we had beers in December 2013. My first date after atrophying on the couch with my girlfriend for two years. Good news for me that there was a whole planet full of women waiting for me to get up off that couch and be single again. Bad news for me that that previous sentence isn’t true. Worse news for me that I didn’t remember how to hunt. Spent hours on game blogs before the date concocting a ruthlessly confident character with just the right shade of self-deprecation coloring his jokes. Didn’t get far before I gave up and just drank two Sam Adams to rev up for the date.
And I posted good stats on my comeback. Only two awkward silences. As our aggressively mediocre date wrapped up I said I’d walk her home because she lived up this snowy hill and it was 1 A.M. In my mind this was a truly Machiavellian move that no one else had ever thought of before, because with the windchill it was 13 degrees and it was a safe bet that she’d invite me in to warm up. She invited me inside to warm up. I felt how the Greeks did when they got into Troy. Then what you do at that juncture is suggest she pulls up Love Actually on Netflix. This is always deemed a perfect idea. Then she puts on these little moccasins and gets under the blanket with you and you incrementally wiggle your hand south of the hip and you two don’t make it past the movie’s credits. Again, how the Greeks felt when they got into Troy. I like Love Actually a lot though and remember watching snippets of it as I got couchburn.
In the morning she pointed to a picture on the dresser of herself with this little blonde girl. That’s my daughter, she said. Within two minutes I’d found a way to slide into the conversation that I was about to move to Korea.
Then I pretty much stopped going on Tinder dates because I liked walking around knowing that I was undefeated on the app. Flash forward two years and Justine is married. Like someday I will be too. I can’t wait. A foolproof way to have sex after every single date without drawing up strategies beforehand. Yes, my destiny is leading me back to that couch of monogamy but at least I’ll be undefeated while I’m on it.