The Most Boring Thing You’ll Read All Day

Notes From Korea: 11/21/15

Aw fuck I should not be blogging. I should be finishing this short story about time travel. But I feel like if a few days go by then my blog’s heart stops beating and then people will check my page and see nothing new and think: see I knew he wasn’t for real. He’s out of ideas.

***

Yeah well even if I am out of ideas I can always turn into a troll and savage the work of others. Like for instance I got Michael Connelly’s new book and man, the guy is coasting. You can feel comfort and overconfidence coming off the page. You can tell he’s at the level where he bangs out a limp draft and emails that fucker right over to the editor and two months later it’s on a shelf. Good story but he needed to take a machete to the prose before he published. He mentions the same detail twice in the same paragraph and uses bottom-shelf phrases no one should ever use like “as far the eye could see.” Alas, another one of the greats goes flat.

***

My school is green as fuck; they won’t turn on the heaters. It’s a brand-new facility built right in the middle of ancestral Korean farmland, probably seized from the villagers by brute force. I wonder if it’s haunted. Hey that could be a short story too. Pig shit taints the November breeze. Right outside my office window a stock-image Asian farmer in a rice hat hangs out in a graveyard. I catch him watching me type. The creepy thing is that he keeps staring; he doesn’t care that I’ve caught him.

***

Scrolling down the post-Paris debates on Facebook so that I can feel that my viewpoints are extremely correct. Everyone is correct on Facebook. I’m pro-refugee. Because I’m a refugee. You try eking a decent lay out of the Brick House in Dover, New Hampshire and you’d flee the continent too. Modern America is a failed state for the basic man.

***

This morning was a 5K on the US Army base in Seoul but I forgot my ID so I couldn’t get past the gate so fuck it.  I’ll rest and go see some people tonight and try to make them laugh. I wonder how all of our conversations would go if it was impossible to fake laughter. Now I’m with the girlfriend (yeah I haven’t fucked it up yet) in Hapjeong Station, eyeballing Koreans on coffee dates who are having a hell of an awkward time reaching common ground. Ah, being single.

Anyway, shit, thank God I got something up on the blog today. Wow, what a snoozer this posts was. If you made it this far, congratulations. At least there’s solace in the fact that even if you put something shitty online, the internet is so oversaturated with shit to begin with that you couldn’t possibly make it any worse. I’ll close with an appropriate quote from the internet’s resident Ranter King Gordon Flanders: “Goddamn this shit is boring.”

 

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5 thoughts on “The Most Boring Thing You’ll Read All Day

  1. I’ve never read a James Patterson novel because every time I’m in the library there’s like 18,000 of them and I think man there’s no way this guy can pump out 18,000 quality novels. If a writer is going to write 18,000 novels he should at the least easily identify which ones will have been written with effort. Also I don’t read them because I’m jealous.

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