A Star Wars: The Force Awakens Review With Pretty Much Nothing But Spoilers


Star Wars dropped a day early in Korea, and I live in Korea. Among modern life’s sweetest pleasures is seeing a Big Movie slightly before everyone else. Imagining they’re all impressed with you and they’re thinking: wow he saw this cool movie before I did, he must be really cool by association. When in actuality these people want to disembowel you. But if you see a Big Movie early for like a day you can be in the 1% of the world who has something, in this case precious knowledge, that the masses don’t. It feels cool. Now I know why rich people are such shitheels.

This is Episode VII, but it’s really Episode IV remade by people who love Episode IV. I wonder if most people can actually read Roman numerals or if they’re just pretending. Anyway this movie is damn fun and damn good, like Mad Max good. I was about to lose my faith in Film itself; for years I’ve had blue balls since all the trailers have been better than the movies. Ex-Keebler elf turned movie director JJ Abrams would like it if you gave him credit for this but he shouldn’t get it, this is Lawrence Kasdan’s doing. He wrote Empire and Raiders and this movie too.

But there’s some silly shit, too. The new Emperor in this movie is a 20-foot tall Gollum hologram. New heroes Rey and Fin are able to run inside an abandoned Millennium Falcon and just fly away in it; spaceships don’t need keys. A lot of the movie involves the bad guys trying to find the good guys who are creeping around in the hallways and locker rooms and wherever else inside their bases. Alas the good guys can’t be found because the bad guys do not have surveillance cameras. Hm what else. This is also the second time in a Star Wars movie the bad guys have used a superweapon to casually murder millions of people who are never mentioned again. And how did two photogenic people like Han and Leia produce such a gargoyle of a son? Holy shit Adam Driver is ugly. Also, what the fuck is this movie doing acting like Mark Hamill is “in” it? He’s in three shots, at the very end, standing on a rock. He has no lines.

Anyway, this is just A New Hope rebooted but with black people and more than one female, and Han is murdered by his own son, who’s now a Sith Lord.

Go/Don’t Go Verdict: Go.


Author: Fred Colton

Fred is just another guy online.

7 thoughts on “A Star Wars: The Force Awakens Review With Pretty Much Nothing But Spoilers”

  1. Hahaha I used to always start out marking my chapters in roman numerals but always lost track after XV. Back when I thought it was cool to use roman numerals and before I realized nothing with writing will ever be considered cool and especially not if you use roman numerals.

  2. I too had a quibble with the surprising lack of surveillance equipment on the Death Planet, and I wanted more backstory on the Supreme Leader Precious, but overall really happy. It looked and felt like Star Wars and I’m so glad JJ got back to that. Enjoyed your perspective!

  3. Had problems with that Gollum emperor, too. Why use CG when you don’t have to? Found him completely cliche, non-threatening and forgettable. But yeah, “Mad Max good.” Actually saw THAT movie because of your recommendation and wasn’t disappointed. If you ever decide to be a film critic, this reader will definitely tune in. Fun review here. Thanks, Fred.

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