Current Events: Cruz Caucus-Blocks Trump

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz
Associated Press

All right, so Ted Cruz won Iowa. Politics is a game of pretty lies, and Ted Cruz tells gorgeous ones — at least the farmers thought so. J.S. Bach said that when you’re playing music, all you have to do is hit the right notes at the right time. Cruz is the Bach of politics. The right lies at the right time. Other politicians miss notes but this fucker never does. Some dark part of me is inspired.

Too bad about Jeb. I’ve got a soft spot for the guy. Dude’s running on nothing but birthright, but I have to root for that because I’m a dumb white guy coasting on birthright myself. My white family gave me jobs and money just like Jeb’s did, and let me tell you, that is the fucking way to live.

Maybe it’s a good idea to vote for Hillary, just to get Hillary over with. Just to get her off the TV. Because she’s already proven she won’t take no for an answer. She’ll be right back here in 2020 if she doesn’t win this time. Let’s just give her four years, so she’ll be happy and then go away. It will give the broads less to complain about in the meantime, too.

I have a question: what the fuck are we doing voting for anyone. You would think after fifty-six presidential elections we’d have figured out that these motherfuckers always lie to us. I bet even George Washington lied about giving the people cheap wig powder or something. First guy to get up and say “I promise to only keep the promises I want to keep” has got my vote. Go Trump, I guess.

***

Deleted Thoughts:

-The hypothetical Constitutional amendment we need (but not the one we deserve) would be the one that would let us catapult elected officials off the roof if they break their word. That’s our solution and our pathway to a brighter future. Now all we have to do is get the elected officials to vote yes on it.

-I lean left, so I hope a Republican wins the whole thing so I can blame everything on him. Life was easier when it was all Bush’s fault. Gas prices, al-qaeda, the rain. When global leader George W. Bush was out to personally fuck me over. Now we have Obama and I like him a little (even though he’s just Bush but black) but defending him for seven years has been exhausting. Choose hate. Hate is easier.

-What the fuck are we doing in Iowa every four years? Why do we always start there? Letting four hundred cold, aggravated grain farmers dictate the course of the universe. We could switch it up. Pick a random state out of a hat and go from there. Just an idea. Me for President.

-I bet George Washington’s campaign slogan was “Wig Powder, Gun Powder, White Power. Washington ’76.” Get it, because he owned slaves.

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8 thoughts on “Current Events: Cruz Caucus-Blocks Trump

  1. I used to laugh every time somebody said to vote for Trump because I thought they were saying it ironically. Like Kanye 2020. Then I realized there’s actually people voting for him so now I’m scared to say anything positive about him in case somebody takes it non-sarcastically. With great Trump jokes come great responsibility.

  2. ‘When global leader George W. Bush was out to personally fuck me over.’ Haha! I love this line so much I might steal it. I felt the exact same thing. He appeared in my dreams telling me to bend over.

    1. The creepiest thing about Bush was that he wasn’t even Texan, but talked like he was. He successfully impersonated a Southerner in order to become a governor and then use that as a springboard into the presidency. The guy knew exactly what he was doing.

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