How To Become President

My Fellow Americans:

What do you want out of politics? Do you want change? You can’t even handle a new iPhone charger. You don’t want change. You want Capitol Hill shit talk, that’s what you want. You want a sound bite that simplifies a planet full of chaos for you. Did you come here today because you want a better life? Fuck off. You had the leisure time for this rally and the car to drive here; you have a good life. You’re in the top 1% of all humans who ever lived. This isn’t North Korea. You’re fine. You will always be fine and safe. We’re gonna keep blasting goatherds with Hellfire missiles. We’re gonna keep killing babies and bystanders. We’re gonna keep letting the bridges fall down. We’re gonna keep DeAndre locked up. Gonna keep this the greatest nation on Earth.

Why are you here today, hooting for me to get the job with the big plane that we’ll shoot you for walking too close to? I benefit from this, not you. Thank you, God bless you voters for knowing all of the above and yet still not believing it all, and God bless the United States of America.

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3 thoughts on “How To Become President

  1. We just had our elections and the speeches given by the presidential candidates also spoke of change. But none of them dared to talk like this. I wish they did. If it were so then campaigns would be more entertaining.

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