Drinking coffee at the hospital in Korea as I recover from the indignity of my annual AIDS test. It’s a condition of my employment. Korean mothers think foreigners will carry AIDS into the country and then pass it to their children by standing in the same room as them. Seems legit. They probably also still believe that rain dances work. In some cities they test the female teachers once a month because they’re afraid that the girls are prostituting on the side. And who can blame them, if they were? Pay us more, motherfuckers. Two million won a month is insufficient to deal with your shitty kids.
The logic in Korea is this: The foreigners have the diseases; test them. Meanwhile Koreans never use condoms and don’t get tested. No sex ed in high schools, so they fuck like life is a porno. Stick it in raw and then blast inside. Later on, react with genuine shock when she’s pregnant. Every baby in Korea is an accident.
This is the way life is in the glittering first world metropolis of Seoul. The nation of cutting-fucking-edge technological development and sky-high IQ in every single area of existence, except sexual matters. At that point it devolves into medieval superstition. They have a Forrest Gump-level understanding of sexuality and biology. Foreigners get the diseases, not Koreans. Koreans have magic genitals that act as kryptonite to STDs. Korean men hike up Hooker Hill and jam their naked members inside the same yeasty hole 10,000 other men have slithered into before. Still won’t get tested even after their dicks turns green. But test the foreigners. Test all the foreigners.
Racism is always at high tide here on the Korean peninsula, but you gotta applaud them for owning it. No euphemisms or denial, just pure, uncut xenophobia. It’s refreshing to be regarded with suspicion and viewed as a subhuman migrant worker. A rare experience for a white American. Gives me empathy, I think.
My buddy Paul* texted; his school forgot to take taxes out of his check throughout all of 2015. To rectify this clerical error they’re arbitrarily taking it all out of this month’s check, which cuts his February salary in half. He’s been in Korea seven years, taking shit like this the whole time. Our schools pay us late, refuse to honor contract provisions, change our schedules at the last moment and berate us for not having foreseen said changes. Why stay, why put up with wave after wave of bullshit for the better part of a decade? Because the drinks are cheap and the ladies are loose, that’s why. And there are no condoms in Korea. Man will suffer all manner of indignities under those circumstances.
*Maybe a fake name, maybe not.