8 Reasons Not To Write A Book

(Alternate Title: Finally Sucking Buzzfeed’s Dick So I Can Get Some Clicks Up In Here)

1.) The theoretical book in your head is better than the letdown the actual book will be.

carlton

And the book in your head will be read by more people.

2.) Seriously, not even Mom will read it.

eye roll.gif

My mom said I was a better writer than you, so I dedicated a story to her, and she did not read it. I should have dedicated a tweet to her instead.

3.) There are five million new books published every day.

Infinity book

This is absolutely true. The day your amazing and special book comes out, it will launch in tandem with five million other amazing and special books. Now there are more books out than there are stars in the universe.

4.) You won’t have to pay some vulture $300 for a book cover.

money 2

“This is a supremely sound investment.”

–What I thought after I paid a designer* for my book cover.

5.) You won’t have to be online for 40 hours a week marketing the fucking thing.

comp smash

(which you will have to do even if you have a publishing contract).

6.) You won’t waste your time.

domino fail

You can spend a thousand hours polishing your novel, or you can spend a thousand hours playing horseshoes or lining up dominoes or some shit. Literally any other activity besides writing is a better investment of your time, and will make more people like you.

7.) No but seriously, it’s a waste of time.

Money 1

Sweatshop workers in Bangladesh make more than writers. It’s 2016, other people’s thoughts and output have been considered free for a while now.

8.) Mindless leisure is underrated.

Having spent a few years doing nothing but watching TV and also a few years doing nothing but writing, I can tell you that being a content sponge was a much more satisfying use of my existence. Embrace the couch. It’s OK.

dog tv

*Designers have the right idea. It’s infinitely easier to have your work appreciated and have the fact that it exists acknowledged if you’re a designer. And designers definitely get more ass. Well, they get zero ass, but that’s still more ass than what writers get.

***

GIFS from Giphy.com

 

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18 thoughts on “8 Reasons Not To Write A Book

  1. Hahaha. This is my new favorite!

    On Tue, Feb 23, 2016 at 11:25 AM, Fred Colton wrote:

    > Fred Colton posted: “(Alternate Title: Finally Sucking Buzzfeed’s Dick So > I Can Get Some Clicks Up In Here) 1.) The book in your head is better than > the letdown the finished book will be. And the book in your head will be > read by more people. 2.) Seriously, not even Mom ” >

  2. If I may, Mr. Colton, I’d like to unleash my minimal wisdom into this narrative by responding to each of your stellar points.
    1 – The book is always better in the head. And the head is always better in the book.
    2 – I don’t think anyone in my family has bothered to purchase my books, never mind stop being conservative twats long enough to read them.
    3 – The digital world is sinking with the weight of mindless sloths who have somehow decided that “I have Microsoft Word on my phone!” translates to “I can publish 37 pointless books this year!”.
    4 – Leonardo da Vinci can design your book cover, but it doesn’t mean a thing if you aren’t in the exact right place at the exact right time. Blame the sloths.
    5- Endless self-promotion sends me into shame spirals that obliterate any guilt I don’t have over endless hours of reviewing downloaded porn.
    6 – I blame the deluge of the sloths for this, again. I’m ultra-OCD about this. Ignore my twitching.
    7 – I made 35 cents with my book sales on Amazon last month. Yay, fucking yay. They seriously send out checks for that amount? Why? Stockpile those bitches until I can at least get a beer out of it.
    8 – I’m a much better person when I don’t try to validate myself. There’s a higher degree of personal salvation when I click on “save to hard drive” instead of “submit”, and then I go binge-watch “Dexter”.

    Cheers.

      1. You have the most incredible and refined taste imaginable. (P.S. I thought you sounded familiar and that I was following you, so I did some digging and found that you had somehow dropped out of my feed. That unbearable snafu has been rectified. Mea cuplpa.)

      2. Haha no problem. I’m still a baby in the blogging world so I certainly wouldn’t be offended if you weren’t following me. The 10,000 followers they said I’d have in the first two months never materialized….

  3. Reblogged this on Writers of the Rain and commented:
    I don’t follow a lot of blogs – I don’t read much at all, actually (supposedly this is something I “should” do to be a halfway decent writer, but oh well). But if you haven’t read Fred Colton’s blog, you’re seriously missing out. Easily one of my favorite bloggers – but then, I’m a huge sucker for authenticity, blatant honesty, and crass humor. So enter at your own risk.

    Anyways, this one hits the nail on the head. You might remember my post on a similar subject: http://writersoftherain.com/2015/11/03/does-anyone-actually-know-how-to-sell-a-fking-e-book/
    Let’s just say Fred is just a *tad more sophisticated in his delivery. Overal. Sentiment: writers have no chance in hell of becoming anything. So you’d better have a goddamn amazing sense of humor. The end.

      1. What can I say: most writers are mediocre at best (not that I can talk – I’m also lucky if my own mom reads my stuff), so when I find a good one, I hang on for dear fucking life.

        You seem to have a nice following of loyal readers. Keep it up; I think they appreciate your candor. 🙂

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