Now presenting the Fred Colton Diet and Workout Regimen. This is how I became the fittest person out of my group of alcoholic friends who never work out. It’s a low bar, but someone’s got to clear it. *


Don’t diet. Maybe eat a little more protein, but for God’s sake don’t deprive yourself of a goddamn thing. You’re in the first world; fucking enjoy it. Treat every meal like a banquet with Julius Caesar. And don’t forget that beer and French toast are life requirements. But you gotta compensate for all that shit by doing the…



  1. 4 mile run
  2. 60 min. lift: (chest/shoulders/triceps)
  3. HIIT bike sprint workout (100% effort for 45 seconds, 1 min recovery, repeat 8-10 times)**


  1. 60 min. lift: (biceps/back) ***
  2. Sprints (8×100 meters @ max effort, 20 pushups immediately before each rep)****




  1. Abs (crunches, military-style leg lifts)
  2. High-grade hill sprints (6x80m, 20 pushups immediately before each sprint)


  1. 60 min. lift (chest/shoulders/triceps )++
  2. Squat jump HIIT workout (7 sets of 15-20 jumps, with 15-20 pushups immediately before each set)


  1. 60 min. lift (biceps/back)
  2. Stair sprints (7 sets of 11 stories, 15-20 pushups immediately before each sprint)+++


  1. Back to the gym++++ for abs (crunches, military-style leg lifts)
  2. 4 mile run.

Repeat ad nauseum.

*Well actually my friend Peter does work out I guess, because he’s a male stripper and has ten abs. But he’s also a little bit ugly, so he kind of has to have ten abs.

**You have to sprint. Distance runs don’t really burn fat. This is true. Proof that we live in a universe that makes no sense.

***Working out is all well and good until you become endorphin-dependent and the highs disappear and you need 90 minutes of boot camp hell just to feel normal. Or, if you wake up feeling extra-shitty, you need a workout just to feel merely a regular amount of shitty. Exercise can become a drug that’s not even fun while you’re doing it.

****All of this is going to get your testosterone cranking through the roof. That’s a bad thing. You turn into some kind of ogre. It will scare your girlfriend. I’m no longer capable of empathy and I can’t cry anymore.

+I rest on Wednesday because you should try to take one day off a week, but I find it hard to rest on the traditional day of rest, Sunday. A Sunday workout torches the Saturday night beer calories and makes me less anxious for Monday.

++By this point in the regimen you’re realizing that this shit is unsustainable, and eventually you’re gonna get old and wear out and you’ll have to fall back on personality and social skills instead of physical attributes to get through life, which leads to the experience of having existential agony on top of your physical agony.

+++So, all of this is pretty much a waste of time. Ten hours of misery a week just to win the occasional arm wrestling bout. Ten hours of agony just so my girlfriend can complain that my arms are too big and worry about other girls checking me out.

++++My gym is cool. Grungy place, two steps above a prison yard. A real Started From The Bottom feel. A clientele of mostly 60 year-old Koreans who look 40. New life goal. Not the Korean part.



14 thoughts on “Vanity

  1. I came for the picture. I stayed for the good article….okay, I just realized that first sentence was quite filthy when said by a gay man…but I did come (cum?) for the picture.

  2. Funny! I’ve been in the no diet, old, relying on personality phase for a while. No one gives me 2nd looks anymore, but I am happy & having the time of my life.

  3. Omg, we have the EXACT same workout! *eyeroll* The sprinting thing to burn fat does suck. Except that I hate distance running. I did a 10k once in Boulder and found myself wishing it took place in the mountains so I could throw myself off a cliff. Never again.

    Totally worth it for me though. Every time someone compliments me for looking good after having two kids, I feel like I’ve won an Oscar. Cuz I’m a bitch like that. Eat that, suckas!!!

    I’m fucking tired as hell and sick to boot so just ignore me…

  4. ** That’s probably why you see so many big fat marathon runners and totally off the chart fat ultra=marathoners.

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