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Another day, another crisis. Need insights. I’m too cheap for therapy, too vain to drink, but there’s always the horoscope. Half of it is off target but the other half could be my Wikipedia page.

The Scorpio doesn’t like to let people know more than they need to about him. He keeps his secrets guarded and people who do not know him well may think that he is perfect, although even Scorpios have flaws of their own.

Well yeah, I’m guarded and scripted so people don’t find out about my past life. I hide it like I’m in witness protection. Like the fact that Mom homeschooled me for two years and I didn’t get to download all the social interaction programs that the kids on the playground did. She might as well have exiled me to 1885. Try re-entering public school after that; you’ll burn up in the atmosphere. Now I think: if this person talks to me for more than ten minutes, they’ll find out I’m weird. They’ll make an obscure mid-90s Nickelodeon reference and I’ll give them a quizzical look and it’s over.

Partners are usually first attracted to the Scorpio’s tough exterior, but later they fall for the softness of what he is really like on the inside.

I fucking hope so. I had no brothers and a quiet dad, toughness is not in me. The toughness is all method acting. Soft is all I got and it drives me crazy. It had me Googling Army recruiters, thinking maybe that was my path to masculinity. Thank God Dick Cheney was there to scare me away.

He is more likely to please his partner in the bedroom, as a way of keeping his ego high.

Horoscope’s words, not mine. Although to be fair I did last a mere two minutes last Friday but that was because I’m a wrinkly 28 now and was trying to do it after 12 on a school night. Up past my bedtime.

Once a Scorpio man falls in love with his partner he will be more gentle and caring around them. This can lead to an overall loving relationship.

Overall, yes. Barring spats. Which are inevitable. What happens with a fight is that everything makes brilliant sense in your head until you talk to your woman. Then you’re proven stupid. There should be no male lawyers at all, anywhere. No need, no reason for the economy to bear the compounded weight of all their law school debt when you can just draft women off the street and put them in court.

Was going to write something today, but we’re arguing. Stress short-circuits the whole process.

The Scorpio tends to ignore the minor details in life.

 Details, housekeeping, errands, anything that is not coffee or fucking or laughter: they make me want to crawl into a wood chipper. But baby, it’s not that I don’t care. I’m not forgetting shit because I’m evil. It’s because I’m half-oblivious. That’s the mold I came from, that’s my OS. If I could get an update, I would.

The Scorpio wants to reach high places in his lifetime. He may have a goal from when he was young that he is still working on in his old age.

Been writing since I was seven and twenty-one years later I’ve achieved a readership of thirty. I know my blog says I have 5,000 followers but that figure’s a relic. Those are all ghost blogs that were abandoned in February 2015. Thirty people read my shit; it used to be hundreds. It’s a counter-intuitive but true fact that more people read me back when I was a worse writer. That’s how the universe works: the thing you don’t expect is the thing that happens. 2,200 on Twitter; who gives a fuck. Twitter is just takers, writers selling to other writers.

I’m a fraud, I have no reach, my co-sign is worth nothing. But what else is there to do. Do you quietly cultivate an insane level of talent that no one will ever witness, or do you make some fucking Vines.

The Scorpio won’t let his dreams die. The Scorpio is extremely ambitious, so no one should expect his goals to be minor.

But then again, shit, this is 2016, thirty readers is good. Thirty readers is a major ambition for anyone not on the staff of Entertainment Weekly. I got that, so fuck Vines.

The Scorpio can be narrow-minded about what he learns. He is stubborn in what he knows, and he will stick to his beliefs even if he is proven wrong.

Last night we drank and Jono did my tarot reading. My question was: can I change. Because even though by the time people get to my age they’re pretty much galvanized, I do need to change. I need to think and act and function on an entirely different level than I do now.

He said the chances of that aren’t good. Something he apparently deduced from the pentagram symbol. And I said: that’s pretty Calvinist, that’s not what I wanted to hear. So thank God these are just some cards, and their meanings are just some bullshit you learned so you could fuck girls at your place while drinking wine. And you know, even though no one has ever woken up in the morning as a different and better person, I still sort of believe that one day it will happen to me.


18 thoughts on “Decoder

  1. “Do you quietly cultivate an insane level of talent that no one will ever witness, or do you make some fucking Vines.” Guess that’s every writer’s bad day summed up in a single sentence. Maybe we can trade–I’ll siphon off some of my aggressive tendencies in exchange for some of that softness. Manual shifting of gears is exhausting, though worthwhile…

  2. Sometimes I hope a giant EMP astroid hits the earth and no electricity works and we’d be stuck reading books under candlelight and motherfuckers like you and I could finally make money off of our wet dreams and by sometimes I mean that’s all I ever think about. So stay ambitious, God or aliens might yet throw us a curveball.

  3. I’m not a scorpio, but I could still identify with a lot of this. Good post. I believe people can change and grow.

    A fact that comforts me: Robert Frost was over 40 when he started writing poems, and he became quite famous. There’s still time for us.


  4. Enjoyed this post. I was recently thinking how enlisting in the military would have toughened me up but then realized I would have just cried all day. There’s a palm reader by my place that I’ve been curious about. She charges $10 but I have this suspicion she’s going to try to sucker more money out of me.

    1. Thank God my friend gave me his bullshit for free. What’s the age limit on the Canadian military? As long as there’s not a war on then it can’t be the worst thing.

      1. As per the most reliable fact source, Yahoo Answers indicates there is no age limit. You just have to be able finish your contract before the retirement age. So I guess I have a backup plan before being homeless.

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