My other drunk posts are sarcastically titled; I always write them sober. But this one is real. Let’s go. Need to stay up sip water and write so I don’t have a hangover tomorrow. Earlier tonight, I was going to stay in and figure out my life (all of it!) but my girlfriend was dancing at a club on the lake so I went to that. Ended up putting down
some a lot of champagne. This Singaporean financier’s birthday party was going on, I got invited to the table because I’m tall and white. Slaves by the table to refill our flutes. So much fucking champagne. I couldn’t hear anything that was said but I acted like I could. I’m good at nodding and laughing. The rich guy guessed I was 35. People always say that. I’m 28. Moisturizing isn’t fooling anyone. I’m old, I look old, but I still can’t believe it. I might never accept it, my maturity might never catch up to my looks.
I was offered ketamine, which I had to Google, and is apparently what alcohol wants to be when it grows up. I didn’t take any but I did suck two balloons of nitrous oxide. It only lasts a minute, but, goddamn. Why didn’t anyone give me this shit earlier. Think of the happiest drunk you’ve ever had, multiply it by a million. Now commences my hippie phase. This should be free, maaaan. Why do we send people to jail for getting a little high, maaaaaaan.
Drugs are good, intoxication is good. Because when I drink to excess, I feel guilty and snap back hard into a holistic lifestyle. Work out for two hours a day and eat green peppers, clean up the temple that is my body. I would never treat myself right if I didn’t damage myself first.
Drugs are good because life is hard. The reason early humans kept brewing alcohol is because socializing is stressful. But they realized: This rotten corn we drink makes mingling easier; let’s keep it up. Back in the day you didn’t know if a stranger was going to kill you or not. That’s why we’re afraid of them, why it’s hard to talk to them. Leftover Neanderthal instincts. God is a bitch and he made us broken and flat, made interpersonal skills a fucking chore to attain, what with our brains soaked 24-7 in an imbalanced chemical cocktail, sometimes we need a boost. And if you can make it through your entire life without a boost then fuck you, Mitt Romney. Must be nice.