I thought I was going to get a modeling job, but it didn’t work out, so now I have to teach. Teaching is a thing that I hate, but also a thing I’m good at. I was hired at three different academies. In the evenings I’ll ride my motorbike to one class, teach for two hours, then drive to another class and repeat the process.

I’ll work every day. Not out of necessity. I do need money, but not a whole lot. What I need is enough work to keep me locked away for hours at a time. I don’t like free days at home because I feel like I’m never spending the hours in exactly the right way. And I don’t like being out in public, because most people annoy me. I do like drinking, so I need to make myself too busy to drink. Work is the answer. It focuses me, by leaving me with only enough time for the essentials.

When I’m not at work I’m with my girlfriend. The rest of the time, I’m trying to write. It’s going well. Even though no one knows who I am. When you have a craft you’re blindly obsessed with, occasionally you can feel the gears shifting as you learn a new trick. Those moments are rare, but they do happen. Writing is an absurdly slow evolution. You can become a surgeon in less time than it takes to become a good writer. If you want to be a good writer, you can’t really do anything else.

I’ve realized I really don’t like going places and doing things, and I don’t like going to activities or events, either. Not when I could be spending that time getting good at something. Steve Martin says you should try to be so good they can’t ignore you.

Tonight there’s a performing arts event that I was guilt-tripped into. There will be amateur slam poetry and amateur rapping and amateur stand-up. The kind of thing you have to extort people into attending because you know it will not be fun. I can’t stand being part of an audience. To sit there and feel the time ooze away. But appearances must be maintained. I would rid myself of social obligations, but I need them for creative fuel.

Is art selfish? I think so. You’re spending a lot of time working on your own expression. You can only spend so much time in this selfish vortex before you become insufferable.

I’ll be in the crowd, but it doesn’t mean I think you’re good. This is amateur hour. I can ignore you. I already have a thing, and I don’t have time for yours.


7 thoughts on “Work

  1. I do not find art or artists selfish. But then… I have a really great group of artist friends and we all help one another, through the use of or various skill sets when not immersed in our art. Though I too dislike people or groups, it is really not my thing. I love helping others, and am often found teaching others what I have learned in various areas and specialties. But then, to me, that is what life is all about.

  2. Not all art is selfish. All artists have insufferable egos, which makes them selfish by nature, but not all art is selfish. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you need to be guilt-tripped into attending a helluva lot more arts events and performances. Even the professional kind. Who knows. You might even expand your writer’s horizon in the sacrifice of your precious no-people time. Or, you could continue to only drink yourself to sleep each night, hate teaching, and wish you were a model with a book deal. Oh, I apologize. Plainly, that shit’s working really well for you, so I’ll shut up. 😉

  3. Being good at something you don’t like – how’s that for a universal truth. I’m apparently good at managing databases. Do I like it? Meh. Do I get paid well to do it? Absolutely. At least I did. It took until 35 to get paid to write. It’s not fiction (which would be ideal), but I don’t hate it. You’ve got a few years. Just hang onto that girlfriend and the rest will fall into place. 🙂

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