Benjamin Has A Blog

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I. Unmasking

My editor uses words such as digital marketing and platforms. She is in the business of making her bosses rich by farming out the grunt work to me. And it has been suggested that I start a new blog under my real name — a blog which should be fit for public consumption — in order to start marketing my little travel book.

Fuck it, let’s do this. My name is Ben (nice to meet you) and here is my new blog.

It’ll be a showcase or maybe a portfolio or some other word that’s just as douchey. I’ve taken stuff I wrote a while ago and cut, edited, and focus-grouped it to within an inch of its life. So! You should follow it, like it, love it. Just so when I go public on Facebook, there’s at least three likes on that first post.

(Oh my God, please at least just click. You don’t even need to read it. Just… click. I’ve been slinging words into the empty void for so long now that I’m really not above begging.)

II. Laura

When I date women, I don’t say I’m a writer, I don’t even make an oblique reference to the SIGNED BOOK CONTRACT sitting in my closet. Maybe that’s why Laura didn’t text me back. Maybe she thinks I have nothing going on in my life. Damn! Laura was hot. She wanted to hang out. It was a layup. Somehow I blew it.

So this new blog is the last card I have left. This is a blitzkrieg. I may be underwhelming in person but now everyone is going to see that, in the fake realm of the Internet, I am a genius*. In the back of my mind With all of my mind, that’s what I’m hoping for, I’m pushing all my chips in on this blog. I’m so cool!

Joke’s on me though because I think I remember Laura saying she doesn’t read much.

III. Etymology

Fred Colton is a pretty dumb name, I’ve realized. I was watching GI Joe 2 when I was drunk on the couch at 5:00 am on Christmas morning, and learned that Bruce Willis’s character is named General Colton. I didn’t know that! Has everyone been thinking that I took my name from GI Joe 2? Probably not, but hey I’m not immune to a solipsistic worry or two.

My family is of German descent (see: “blitzkrieg,” above) and as of the 80s (after 150 years in America) we were apparently still sticking pretty hard to the ethnic names thing, because I was given the middle name of Friedrich. I shortened that to Fred, because this is 2017 and not The Sound of Music. I picked Colton because I wanted a surname that starts with C, because I used to be a big Michael Connelly and Lee Child fanboy.

One last takeaway: Fred Colton dot com will continue to exist. It’s where I practice writing and it’s where I make my confessions.

All right. Well, that’s all for tonight, kids.

Cheers,

Ben

***

*Although when it comes to expressing yourself, writing is kind of cheating, because you get infinite chances with which to restate and refine what you’re saying.

 

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23 thoughts on “Benjamin Has A Blog

  1. It’s been six months since I’ve been on here.I’ve always been a fan. It is delightful and encouraging to read this post. There is hope! A signed book contract? Hell yaaaa. Give yourself a pat on the back, Fred!

  2. Hello Ben. I look forward to your insights and cynical commentary, unburdened by Fred’s compulsive honesty about his tawdry sexual adventures. So, I’m following Ben now, and although I won’t drop Fred, at least not immediately, I’ll probably feel more comfortable over there. So, umm, thanks, and good luck and carry on!

    1. Hello Timothy. Fred is sensitive and his feelings will be hurt if you drop him. But he’s always understanding. And he talks about sex too much, so he gets it.

      And without much further ado, I will now carry on carrying on. Cheers!

    1. Oh, I just assumed it was a dumb movie that was looked down upon. It would be strange to be a grown man who names himself after characters in movies based on action figures. That would be like me naming myself after a Transformer.

  3. Oh wow, I did not take you for a Ben. I took you for a Fred Colton. That was a jolt to reality. I will certainly click, but am very glad you are keeping this still running. I enjoy THIS writing. Raw and real and ‘practise-y’. It is brilliant.

    1. Your click has been noted and celebrated! And the like button has been fixed. Phew.

      I appreciate every time you stop by. You’ve been here for the good posts and the many many bad ones!

  4. Woohoo! Hooray for new adventures. Meanwhile, I’m taking anther step up the evil American corporate ladder just so I can feed more taxes into the pockets of the naked Emporer. Of course, if things keep going bad, you’re in the right place.

    Anyways, I’m excited for you. I wish I’d started an anonymous blog where I could write all sorts of scandalous things but I’m afraid to start from scratch. FYI, I couldn’t find a Like button on your new Ben Blog post!

    1. Gah. Fixed it! It’s not like able.

      Yeah. You can’t fight capitalism. Even Communist countries, such as the one I live in now, are capitalist.

      Thanks! Looking forward to your book.

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