Getting Sunday Brunch With Your One Night Stands

You gotta go at noon because it’s most crowded at noon and everyone sees you and knows what happened, which is really cool. You get a lot of social cred if people know you got laid. If you’re in cargo shorts but the girl is still in a dress, then there is no debate about what happened. They know you met 12 hours ago and you banged, probably twice, and then banged again in the morning. Like about thirty minutes ago. They know she forgot her earrings on the dresser.

At Sunday brunch people wear sunglasses like they’re in the fucking CIA and think they can get away with watching you “discreetly.” They’re surprised and mildly ashamed when you catch them looking. Haha! People are stupid.

These days the girls have all been blonde and 25. Like they all came off some assembly line and I am their type. 25 is not 18, but I’ll take it! When we’re young we give strangers the hottest versions of our bodies. Later we give our spouses the saggy version of our bodies. The version that looks like a microwaved marshmallow Peep.

So the girl and I get in there and we sit, we order sandwiches, and add each other on Facebook. The girls are always hotter on Facebook, everyone is hotter on Facebook. So it goes on this planet of vain chimps. You know what, we gotta start calling each other out on this shit. Enough with the filters and the megapixels! I see you right in front of me and you’re not fooling me motherfucker, you look like the stunt double of whoeverthefuck you’re pretending to be online!

Well, here we go. Face to face with the girl. We have to talk now! Oh man this conversation is agonizing. What to say. Say something! I was drunk last night and I was high last night but we’re back in reality, squirming in the hot light of day and my fake charm is fading by the second. Now I’m in trouble; if we hang out for too long she’ll realize I’m weird and boring. The Saturday night me is not the real me. On Saturday night I’m the hit single off a bad album. Me on Saturday night is the polished and amplified me. Me with a filter! Haha, that was a nice callback to the previous paragraph. I’m a good writer.

After a small eternity the sandwiches get here and she keeps saying they taste good. She’s talking more than she’s chewing! She always takes so long to eat.